Todays 'I Can't Believe I said This Sober' Moment: "I like THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale."
Welcome,
I had a dream last night that I was at a bar, I was wearing a cute dress, dancing like a slut, and drinking shots. Thats when this fine ass hunk of man, dolled up like Ryan Gossling, smelling like a ladies wet dream and he brought me a drink. (This was the point when I knew I was dreaming) and as he brought me a drink he said the corniest geekery I've ever heard; 'Hey, are you a Pokemon, because I wanna Pikachu!" I was like wait, do you hear that? Oh, its a party in my pants. Omitting some details involving whipped cream and star wars role-play, thats when I woke up. I spent the rest of the morning thinking of what a guy like that would write on an anniversary or something akin to that; this was my speculation;
To my Trainer,
I love you so much my little Eevee, the one who I choose since it's all up to me. If you ever get into a fight, I'll fly to your side like a great Dragonite. With psychic attacks like the deadly Mewtwo, I'll battle team rocket just to save you. I think of your lips as you used your sweet kiss, and made my heart yours in absolute bliss. You make my Ekans evolve to Arbok, my Metapod hardens, my knees turn to Muk. In my arms, like an Onix, I'll wrap you up tight, then leer at you gently and hope you don't bite. I'll tackle and take down and put you in bed, then chatter and charm you to make your cheeks red. You're sweeter than Horsea, and cuter than Mew. More Graceful than Goldeen, forget Pikachu. I'll capture your Cloyster with my Lickitung, I won't stop until you're Weezing and your top's undone. All through the moonlight until the morning sun, we'll role play and rollout until we are one. Then finally, I'll use future sight my amore, give a peck on the check and whisper encore. Please be my Nidoking.
Love,
Your adoring pokefan.
(...Now, we're friends here, so you can tell me. On a scale of one to ten how badly did that make you wanna Squirtle all over my Jiggly-Puffs? Not at all, DAMNIT.)
First and foremost, just to give you a bit of direction as to where I'm going with this next topic, Fuck Canberra Busses. Well actually, you know what thats it, I'm done. If theres one thing I severely dislike about my life at this single point in time; is my almost religious reliance on public transport. In Canberra, the busses are late, slow, and the only things that smell worse then the busses are the people riding them. Now I don't know, but it just seems here in Canberra the level of Bus Suckiness is magnified by incalculable amounts; in the past week alone, I've been licked, met a Mormon and seen a little kid steal a chocolate bar from a blind chick. But there are many reasons I dislike public transport, you want to here them? No? Well I'm gonna tell you anyways so 'Come at me Bro!' (Bringin it back to 2012 - nostalgic). The first is when you have to push the button. You see, that situation right there, is just way to much pressure for me. This is how my brain looks during that moment. 'Okay, seven more stops seven more stops. Then I gotta push the button. The buttons right there. Okay cool. Alright how do I look? Cause everyones going to look at me when I push the button. How do I look? Alright one stop left. Just around the corner.' and thats usually when I realise that my stop was seven stops ago. But really, what really gets me, are the people;
1. The Kool Kidz (Cool with a K because there that fucking cool.)
You know this kids there, the dumb ass, teens that come up in the bus thinking that there the boss, and the refuse to sit down. Like there are 10 sits empty, why is your cracker ass still standing up? I do not understand there genetic make up right now, is like there coolness measured by their stability on the bus? Like financial stability? Job Stability? Relationship stability? NAH its more Watch me handle this next turn like a boss bro! What are you trying to prove, last night I saw you in the Cube handling that poll like it was your job. You my friend are giving me anxiety because as someone who plays Mario Kart, I know all this it takes is one banana peel to flip this bus up side down and you flat on your face.
2. The Weirdo
I feel as though every bus comes equip with one steering wheel, one bus driver, four wheels, and one crazy person? Its like the formula for every bus in Canberra. There there and no one knows how they got on, when they got on, when they got off, all you know is that there there, staring at you. They don't even move! Your not even sure if there alive!
3. The Couple
I don't like seeing other people in general, but couples, couples piss me the fuck of, and its not because I'm single....and alone....and live with my cat. NO! Its because they can't keep there damn dirty hands out of each others pants. This is not the casting couch, this is a packet bus, pull your skirt down. Like, we all see you, what do you think your in the Matrix? Girl your birth control pill is not the same as that red pill, its not going to show you how far down that rabbit hole goes I mean....well...maybe it well ey?
4. Loud People
Shut up. Honestly, everyone just wants you, to shut the fuck up. If this was the movies Speed we all would want you to be the one dumb ass that steps of the bus while its goes 120mph. Now there usually girls, usually gossiping and I sit there listening to their conversations and I can feel myself becoming dumber, physically losing brain cells.
Music of the Week: Jason Derullo Talk Dirty To Me, Grace Potter and the Nocturnal Paris (Oh la la), and HAIM Hurricane.
And, thats all I've got for you today. Live long and Prosper you sexy things; seeing you at the latest next Friday :)
